How do you sell someone on getting over it?

[Conrad Cook]

I have a friend, who's a good-hearted person, but who has a lot of hot buttons around the opposite sex. He tends to mis-understand things in ways that make him angry.

That's his pattern: he gets angry at inappropriate times and in anti-social ways, makes a scene, and then later apologizes. When people know him, they mostly wait for him to calm down. I tell him to knock it off, but it just causes more squabbling.

Now, this guy's a hypnotist. And my arguement to him has been: apply the process and the work to yourself and get over it. But he won't have it: because he's adamant he's not being irrational. "Women are really like that." And he gets angry if I suggest that he use hypnotherapy, which is interesting in that he's a hypnotherapist.

In my opinion, he's not doing anyone any good -- not the cause of better sex relations, not himself, not the people around him. I'd think he'd want to apply the process to himself even if he's acting rationally, since hypnotherapy doesn't alter rational opinions.

So, how do you sell a hypnotherapist on hypnotherapy?


Conrad.

[Susan French]

When I was a younger woman, every man in the world wanted to be Mr. Spock...all logic, no feelings. (These were in the days of the original Startrek.) LOL. Show me a person without some hot buttons and I'll show you a person who is either lying or in denial. It isn't possible not to have strong feelings about things unless you're a person of very limited intelligence, neurological flat-affect or a Stepford Wife-type of person.

Susan

ps: Conrad, I've been saying that I hold all people accountable for unacceptable behavior regardless of gender, race, ethnic group, age, culture, etc. I guess you missed it in all of my posts.


Conrad Cook said:

Susan French said:

I think the piece of the puzzle that's missing is that we only have your opinion that this person is "throwing a tantrum" or that the person is simply stating an opinion that's different from yours. It sounds to me more like a disagreement over a point rather than whether or not this person needs to "change," "agree with your assessment," "has pathology" or is even being socially inappropriate. Or could this simply be a case of "can we agree to disagree?"

Susan,

It's basically a coincidence that I disagree with this guy. I'm in favor of sex equality; he would say he is, but he has hot-buttons. But I really tell everyone I know who has a rant/apologize cycle the same thing: get it taken care of. Even when their rants are coming from a place that I agree with.

It's sequential incongruity. The cause is seen in the structure of a rant: the person who is carrying around bad stuff cycles on it in the background, getting progressively angrier, until they've built up this charge and something triggers it. Then they explode! -- Finally, coming down, they look at the same thing that triggered it, and since they're not carrying around that anger (at the moment) it doesn't make them so angry. And they look at the potential damage they've done their relationships, and feel bad about it.

Well, it's a better process than those who abuse and then feel good about it. I'm not aware of any way for those guys to draw themselves out of the spiral.

But, to address your "agree to differ" point -- I'm not interested in creating taboo topics in my life. I have good friends who are radical feminists who I often disagree with, and I have friends who are die-hard conservatives who I often disagree with. And we can talk politics because we keep an even keel.


Dennis,

Reading between the lines, I think you raise an interesting point about him being a hypnotist and having greater insight into the (temporary) discomforts of the process. I don't know; that could be. But isn't it a priority for hypnotists to undergo the therapeutic process themselves, and be relatively clear of emotional turmoil?

Your post reminds me of an account I read of an American Indian birth that went badly. During colonial times. The father couldn't stand the pain his young wife was going through, and so he went off into the bushes and killed himself. Which, of course, did his wife no good at all.

Aren't we obliged to work out our own stuff so that, unlike Bill Clinton, we don't feel our clients' pain? Isn't that the last thing we want to do, to put ourselves in a state where we can't reach people?

I don't know -- I'm just discouraged.


Kathleen,

Yes, I'm familiar with that process and that site. Good stuff, but not effective for everyone. (There's a step that some people can't follow.) Thanks for the reminder.


Conrad.

[Dennis Atkinson]

Conrad replied: "Dennis,

Reading between the lines, I think you raise an interesting point about him being a hypnotist and having greater insight into the (temporary) discomforts of the process. I don't know; that could be. But isn't it a priority for hypnotists to undergo the therapeutic process themselves, and be relatively clear of emotional turmoil?

Your post reminds me of an account I read of an American Indian birth that went badly. During colonial times. The father couldn't stand the pain his young wife was going through, and so he went off into the bushes and killed himself. Which, of course, did his wife no good at all.

Aren't we obliged to work out our own stuff so that, unlike Bill Clinton, we don't feel our clients' pain? Isn't that the last thing we want to do, to put ourselves in a state where we can't reach people?

I don't know -- I'm just discouraged."

My Reply:

I would not be discouraged, Conrad. YOU cannot change that which your friend is not ready to change. When he is ready, when some event triggers the desire for him to look within, he will change. Perhaps he is not seeing his behavior through the eyes of others? Perhaps the behavior offers control? Perhaps he does not see HIMSELF as the problem?

As hypnotherapists, we do undergo changes within ourselves ... but we will visit that which we perceive as a problem. If we do not recognize ourself as the problem, how are we supposed to change? Until we recognize our behavior and see that behavior as others see it, we remain stuck in patterns we learned along life's journey. Some event in his life will trigger his taking a good look within ... and when it happens, the changes will slowly occur. Unfortunately for many of us, those changes do not come without a price being paid ... and that is usually the loss of a good friend, loss of a loved one, loss of a close relationship, etc. Just continue to be the good friend - change will come when he is ready.

[Michael White]

Thanks for letting me share my opinion,

If it were me I'd say, "Hey friend! I notice that when you think about women, you have X response. Is it getting you everything you want? Would you like to feel better? Would you like to have 3 or 4 more options?" He's not a dirty pig for his beliefs, he's just not thinking enough IMO. He needs to slow his "s" down and really start to say, "Really?" Or maybe just, "so what?"

I can understand your investment in this, you're his friend and you don't want him to suffer*. And he is suffering IMO. From my experience, most people who get pissed off at "women" or "the world" would rather not if the appropriate and viable optional responses present themselves. This is how one gets, "ready to change". And you can help him see the light!

I think a lot of the world's problems would be solved if we didn't hallucinate such sh#t about the opposite sex. Or the same sex for that matter. Or just sex in general. Or at least my problems...

Anyway, I think from what I've read you know NLP. Help him shrink, blur, make big, and swish and all that other crazy BS that we all got overcharged to learn. He'll be well versed in all of this so it will be easy for him.

To answer your question about how to get him to hypnotherapy: Offer him the chance to you use his brain to alleviate his suffering! And then tell us what you did so we can all learn how to do it for ourselves.

Thanks again,

Michael

p.s. Then again he might tell you to "eff off" and that would be the advice to take. Shrug.


*I am imagining that this is your intent, sorry, I didn't ask.



Thanks,

Michael




*I was reading about NLP and Hypnosis and to me this is one of the main distinctions. NLP focuses on the created (and habitual) constructed arbitrary strategy for one context for use in other contexts (unless strategy sucks).