BEREAVEMENT THERAPY

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Comment by Marianne Robson on November 4, 2009 at 8:46pm

Lee, I feel really inspired by your contribution to the Bereavement Therapy group - thank you so much for taking the time to write! As a beginner in hypnotherapy, and someone who wants to specialize in the field of blockages due to loss, your insights are invaluable; I am convinced that they are equally important to those already practising. Hopefully others in the group will reply to your wonderful piece!

Comment by Lee Pelletier on November 4, 2009 at 6:17am

Bereavement, grief and sadness come in so many forms. When I am working with a client who has suffered a loss, or with a client who has received a life altering diagnosis, I have been learning that following Erickson's dictum to use what the client gives you as your starting place an invaluable rule. When we deal with people experiencing loss in its varied forms it is easy to lose track of the meaning of that loss to the client when you start with your own ideas. As Ed Lester said, helping the client gently to reframe is essential. It is easy to think you know what the client wants. Sometimes we can be guilty of assuming that the client wants one thing when in reality it is something else. As I think of that, I am reminded of Jesus' interaction with a blind beggar named Bartemaus. Bartemaus cried out to Jesus for help. Many of us would assume that he would want healing of his blindness. Jesus, however, did not assume anything. Instead, he asked Bartemaus what he wanted. Then, after Bartemaus asked for his sight, Jesus healed him.

As we meet our clients in their model of the world, it helps so much to ask them what is in their lives now that they don't want. Then, let the client answer in their own words, their own way. Then repeat to them what they have said in our own words to make sure we have understood correctly. Then we ask them what they would like to have in their lives instead. Again, we feed back their answer to them in their own words, asking them to frame it in a way we can use hypnotically. Then use their thought in our hypnotic work.

It might go something like this: H: What do you have in your life that you want to change, get rid of, or deal with? C: I want to get rid of this sadness and pain over the loss of my brother, so I can get on with my life. Sometimes I hurt so much I want to die. H: So, if I am hearing you correctly, you have a great deal of pain about your brother's death, and you want the pain to go away, is that right? C: Yes, that's right. It is not that I want to forget my brother, it is just that it hurts so badly. H: What do you want to feel? When you talk about getting on with your life, what do you mean? C: Well, as I said, I will always miss my brother. I really want to feel better though. I want to miss my brother without being shut down by the grief. H: What do you think it will be like when you have that feeling of missing your brother without being shut down by the grief? C: Well, I don't know exactly, but at least I can go to work and be productive. And I can be nicer to my family. And, I can start doing things so I will be there for those I love. H: OK, so if I have this right, you find it hard to go to work, and to work effectively when you are there. You are also having trouble with your family right now, because they are getting the brunt of the irritability and sadness. And you want to start taking care of yourself.

That pretend dialog is just an example of a way of getting to the what and the why of the client before us. Then, I begin to build the hypnotic plan. It is my "job" to help the client get what he or she wants, and is asking for (unless it is self-destructive). In hypnosis, I feed back again to the client what they want, and begin to ask the subconscious mind if it is willing to help the client to heal. I don't need to tell you how I do that. You know how to do hypnotic work.

It is important to remember that the pain of grief is at least as great, and occasionally greater than the pain of surgery, childbirth, amputation, serious injury or any other organic or traumatic physical malady. Therefore, it is going to take time and process to heal. Therapeutic metaphors like the sailing vessel are marvelously helpful in that process. So is building a lot of don't want/wants. As some things clear up, others may show up. Times of grief are very "low resource" times for our clients. There is a need to get them to do things to build resources, even when they may not want to. It is important for them to follow good nutrition practices and to drink plenty of fluids. It is important for them to get strenuous physical activity. These things will reinforce our hypnotic work. Ask them what has fed their souls in the past. What have they found useful/joyous/pleasurable. As they do that, their systems do recover. As with healing from illness or injury, healing does come to the person in grief. As with injury, sometimes something has to be "reset" for health to come. Please be flexible in dealing with grief. I have walked through grief myself with 5 immediate family members' deaths. I have also walked through grief and loss with dozens of families as a clergyman. I do so now as a hypnotist. I am sure that this wonderful community can expand upon my thoughts here and we can find ways to help clients more effectively.

Comment by Ed Lester on November 3, 2009 at 7:18pm

For terminology, I say use the language the client uses. And if it's negative help them to GENTLY reframe it.
Looks like you're all doing a fantastic job and this is a very valuable community. Well done guys for getting it going like this. I know a lot of people will eventually benefit from the discussions and views being exchanged here.

Comment by Marianne Robson on November 3, 2009 at 6:21pm

I stand corrected, Michael - and yes, you are of course absolutely right, terminology is such an important part of positive thinking! Thank you for sharing your experience.

Comment by Michael Ellner on November 3, 2009 at 3:23pm

Hi Marianne,

I'd recommend dropping terminally ill if one is helping clients with life-threatening illnesses--

FYI-

I have extensive experience helping people with life-threatening diseases and conditions and some want help making peace with death and dying --Others want help coping and living as fully as possible.

My advice is keep hope alive -- Joy, pleasure and satisfaction promote healing and survival and play up the benefits and advantages of the program that you are offering as a first class self-healing protocol -- Reducing fear, tension and discomfort reduces stress and reducing stress slows down the progression of all health challenges. Explain that our bodies are not able to heal or restore metabolic balance when we are in stressed states and our inner doctors do so automatically when we are in "rest and digest states"

When I met Emmy award winning actor Michael Zaslow - ALS had laid waste to his body. He wrote me note saying that he wished that he had AIDS... I wrote back: "???" He wrote that he had heard that I was helping people survive AIDS and NO ONE SURVIVES ALS!!! I looked him in the eye and wrote back: "Perhaps you will be the first" It brought a tear to his eye and we discussed how I could help him help himself.

I helped him to focus on what he could do and what he still could enjoy instead of focusing on what he lost or the horror that he was facing... I taught him how to move into resource states and we created a state where he could appreciate what he lost from the point of view that he could still appreciate all that he had had.

Michael lived a full, active, pleasurable and satisfying life -- even though his physical condition continued to deteriorate daily during the last year of his life... Several weeks after Zaz's death - I got a call and was told I was mentioned in his last interview (Soap Opera Weekly) - Asked how he dealt with the intense fear and stress he answered: "I have a secret weapon - Michael Ellner and QUANTUM FOCUSING"

Comment by Marianne Robson on November 3, 2009 at 11:54am

Another great idea, Kelley - and so true! Is anyone out there using hypnotherapy to help terminally ill people? It seems to me that this is a huge area where we could do some good...

Comment by Kelley Woods on November 3, 2009 at 6:09am

I agree, Marianne...it's beautiful and inspiring, isn't it? That's a great idea, to incorporate it into a script. I also think it would be beneficial to anyone suffering from a terminal illness: I know I like the idea of sailing to another shore and being greeted in that manner! Regards, Kelley

Comment by Marianne Robson on November 3, 2009 at 12:39am

Wow, thank you for that, Kelley, what an inspired quote! I particularly like the last line. I am sure this passage could be adapted to fit into a script, and thus become helpful to the many bereaved people that we see...

Comment by Kelley Woods on November 2, 2009 at 6:34am

I found this piece shortly after I lost my beloved Grandma Fern. It comforted me immensely and I plan to have it included in my own eulogy: It was penned by Henry Van Dyke and is called "A Parable of Immortality"

"I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength, and I stand and watch until at last she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come down to mingle with each other. Then someone at my side says, 'There she goes!'

Gone where? Gone from my sight ... that is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says, 'There she goes!' there are other eyes watching her coming and their voices ready to take up the glad shouts 'Here she comes!'"

Comment by Kelley Woods on November 2, 2009 at 6:28am

Thank you for sharing your personal loss, Michael. Your tribute to Kathy is beautiful! And you are right: Tell your loved ones that you love them is the best advice ever...I'm doing so right now!

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