The Humour Haven

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Comment by Jon Rhodes on October 20, 2009 at 12:37pm

Here's a groaner...

A client came to see me the other day complaining of 'Tom Jones' syndrome. 'I've never heard of that' I exclaimed, 'Does it mean you sweat a lot?'
'No' he replied
'Do you swing your hips a lot?' I asked
'No' he again replied
'Does it make you sing loud?'
'No'
"Well...is it common?' I inquired
'It's not unusual!' he replied

Comment by Linda Knight on May 31, 2009 at 10:46pm

Q: What's the difference between a musician and a pizza?

A: A pizza can feed a family.

Comment by Jon Rhodes on May 31, 2009 at 8:46pm

A hypnotherapist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him.

"For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!" The hypnotherapist paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California."

The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That's too much to ask."

"OK," the hypnotherapist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "Instead make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!"

The genie paused, and then sighed, "Did you want two lanes or four?"

Comment by Jon Rhodes on May 31, 2009 at 8:37pm

A hypnotherapist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

Comment by Jon Rhodes on May 31, 2009 at 8:24pm

Ok, here's some more therapy jokes for ya's...

Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Hypnotherapists collect the rent!


A guy goes in to see a hypnothera[ist. He says, "It seems I can't make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"

Comment by Thal on May 31, 2009 at 4:51pm

New Joke....

Q. How is the subject of an erotic trance like a piece of bread in a toaster?

A. They both get hot when they go down!

Comment by Jon Rhodes on May 8, 2009 at 8:45am

Sorry Thal, I couldn't resist! Ok, I'll even the balance - here's a few guitar jokes...

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".

Q: What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
A: Would you like fries with that?

Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

Comment by Thal on May 6, 2009 at 4:00pm

Alright Jon! LOL don't get me started on instrument jokes... I found several websites devoted just to that subject already. Love them too.

Here's a classic junior high level instrument joke: You can substitute your favorite two instruments to malign into this format:

Q. What's the difference between a Violin and a Viola?

A. The Violin burns hotter and the Viola burns longer!

T

Comment by Jon Rhodes on May 5, 2009 at 10:13pm

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.

He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.

Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?"

Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!"

Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"

Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"

Comment by Jon Rhodes on May 5, 2009 at 10:10pm

A patient visits his hypnotherapist asking if he has OCD...
"Everything's got to be even. Like, if I scratch this hand, I've got to scratch this hand. If I tie that shoe, I've got to tie that shoe. If a celebrity adopts a baby from a foreign country, I've got to kidnap an American baby, fly it to that country and drop it off in Namibia."

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