Death

[Kelley Woods]

As the anniversary of the passing of a loved one nears, I joined the Bereavement Group here (thank you, Marianne). I shared the following with the group and was once more reminded of the power of words:

I found this piece shortly after I lost my beloved Grandma Fern. It comforted me immensely and I plan to have it included in my own eulogy: It was penned by Henry Van Dyke and is called

"A Parable of Immortality"

"I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength, and I stand and watch until at last she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come down to mingle with each other. Then someone at my side says, 'There she goes!'

Gone where? Gone from my sight ... that is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says, 'There she goes!' there are other eyes watching her coming and their voices ready to take up the glad shouts 'Here she comes!'"

Marianne suggested this prose could be incorporated into bereavement work and I agree! I also believe the idea is powerful imagery for those facing imminent death...the idea of glad shouts greeting you on the other shore is so full of hope, isn't it?

[Kelley Woods]

Lee, your comment is full of rich suggestion and truth that has me looking for the "sweet"! Thank you so much!

[Lee Pelletier]

Michael, you bring up something terribly important. What you did with Michael Zaslow is incredibly important and deserves to be highlighted. W. Mitchell tells of losing his ability to walk as a result of a motorcycle accident. He chose, soon after the accident, to focus on the 21,000 things he could still do, as opposed to the 300-400 things that were no longer available to him. With ALS clients, it is routine for them to focus on lost abilities, and you wisely had Mr. Zaslow focus on those abilities that remain.

Kelley, that sailing ship metaphor is both powerful and helpful. It is not hard to build a trance around that, indeed, it's basic structure evokes trance logic as one absorbs its content. It is part of the nature of we humans to hope for the life after this life. As far as we know we are the only creatures that harbor such hopes. Harbor, hmmm. It is interesting that we must leave the safe harbor of the womb in order to embark on this life's adventures. I am personally a committed Christian and take that view of life after death, yet it interests me that the bulk of world religions focus on some element of life beyond this life.

Vincent, I fully comprehend what you have been through with pastors, christians and other religious folk who could not satisfy the longing in your soul. You have been through some things that they may not have been able to comprehend. Remember that there are two elements to communication. First is what the speaker is saying (and thinks he or she is communicating) and second (and probably much more important is what the listener is hearing or experiencing from the communication. There is a human tendency (talked about in NLP extensively) to generalize, distort and delete. This is based on each person's own experience. The pastors may have been generalizing, which does not help with your specific needs. They may even have tried very hard to work through your questions and concerns with you. Sometimes we don't want to be burdensome to another so we stop pursuing answers. As I think of that, I am reminded of the story in Napoleon Hill's "Think and Grow Rich" of the miner who stopped searching 3 feet from Gold. Someone else bought the mine and found the rich vein the first day he worked it. Some might think God unjust for allowing the second person to reach gold instead of the first. But, the first person, upon learning of the good fortune of the man to whom he sold the mine took the news as motivation to never again give up easily, and he became very successful in his own right. Please keep on seeking, you may be only 3 feet from the gold you seek.

I would say, to all who grieve, that while life has changed, and you are entering upon a "new normal" that you may not want, begin to look for something good in your days. While you cannot have the thing you consider "ultimate good" the return of that which was lost, there are many other good things out there for you. Let your eyes begin to hunt for the smallest good thing--even if it is so simple as the ability to get out of bed. Perhaps it will be the sweet wonderful taste of chocolate, or the embrace of someone that still cares for you. Begin to focus on what you do want in your life that is still attainable. You may have to take a different route to the life that remains, but it is entirely possible that there is good for you in your "new normal."

[Kelley Woods]

Thank you for your heartfelt comments, guys. And Michael, your tales continue to inspire us all! I just spent some time today with someone who desperately needed to have that hope promoted and following your lead was just the right approach.

[Michael Ellner]

Hi Kelly,

Great Metaphor-

I have extensive experience helping people with life-threatening diseases and conditions and some want help making peace with death and dying --Others want help coping and living as fully as possible.

My advice is keep hope alive -- Joy, pleasure and satisfaction promote healing and survival and play up the benefits and advantages of the program that you are offering as a first class self-healing protocol -- Reducing fear, tension and discomfort reduces stress and reducing stress slows down the progression of all health challenges. Explain that our bodies are not able to heal or restore metabolic balance when we are in stressed states and our inner doctors do so automatically when we are in "rest and digest states"

When I met Emmy award winning actor Michael Zaslow - ALS had laid waste to his body. He wrote me note saying that he wished that he had AIDS... I wrote back: "???" He wrote that he had heard that I was helping people survive AIDS and NO ONE SURVIVES ALS!!! I looked him in the eye and wrote back: "Perhaps you will be the first" It brought a tear to his eye and we discussed how I could help him help himself.

I helped him to focus on what he could do and what he still could enjoy instead of focusing on what he lost or the horror that he was facing... I taught him how to move into resource states and we created a state where he could appreciate what he lost from the point of view that he could still appreciate all that he had had.

Michael lived a full, active, pleasurable and satisfying life -- even though his physical condition continued to deteriorate daily during the last year of his life... Several weeks after Zaz's death - I got a call and was told I was mentioned in his last interview (Soap Opera Weekly) - Asked how he dealt with the intense fear and stress he answered: "I have a secret weapon - Michael Ellner and QUANTUM FOCUSING"

[Ed Lester]

ps. The story itself is indeed beautiful Kelley. Well done for finding it!

But I see no mention specifically of afterlife. For many clients in pain or suffering or searching for meaning, the conclusion could easily be that it is a metaphor for peace and quiet.

And that's fine.

[Ed Lester]

I think the key with any such metaphor is to create a powerful story and framework for the client to join the dots and make their own unconscious conclusions.

A beautiful story is just that. Clients might not see it as the afterlife, they may see it as something that makes sense to their understanding of the universe, themselves or whatever.

The key, I believe is to give them enough to get them searching for meaning in the story and reaching a positive conclusion themselves. After all it's about the client not us. So being prescriptive or over descriptive can be a problem.

In the words of the photographer Robert Doisneaux when describing the process of art " To Suggest is to create and breathe life into something - To describe is to destroy"

[Vincent Zimmerman]

I would like to agree with the idea of an afterlife, of others watching and waving to us as we approach. Henry Van Dyke evokes some very powerful images indeed. But for some reason, I can't bring myself to truly believe in an afterlife. I don't discount the possibility, but I loathe the idea of an afterlife in conjunction with any type of deity. Religion is repugnant to me, as I tried for so very long to find some belief system that worked for me. My efforts only brought me misery and pain. No other religion seemed to be as credible to me as Christianity, maybe this is a result of western culture biasing my perceptions, but at any rate, even Christianity couldn't give me whatever it is that I'm seeking deep inside. I tried to believe, I really did, I studied the bible and Christian theology, but there were always doubts, always questions that could never be answered satisfactorily. In the end, I guess it boils down to faith, and though I tried to find faith, to foster faith in my heart, I never could. I prayed and prayed, I read the bible, talked with pastors, but nothing worked. I grew so frustrated that I contemplated suicide many times. Finally, I gave up trying. It disgusts me to no end. So is there an afterlife? I hope not, this life is painful enough, I couldn't handle another life, especially an eternal one.